We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
