Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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