I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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