So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
