Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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