So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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