I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is wine microwaveable?
It's just like the Real World with babies
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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