I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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