You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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