I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
