Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize