Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
