You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
