I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
