I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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