Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
