I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
