Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You're a waste of cheezeits
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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