I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
