i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
