shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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