and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
