True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
