Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
