U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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