i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
