Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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