I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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