are you still at the devil's house?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
