I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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