I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
