Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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