If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
