I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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