call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Randomize
