You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
