he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's blow job season.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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