now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
