you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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