I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
