end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
