i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
