Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
