I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Randomize
