there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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