Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
