The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just pee around me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Drunk is a universal language darling
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