yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
