just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I touched a dick in church today
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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