Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
