I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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