OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
