Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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