Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
