I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's blow job season.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
