I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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