there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
