grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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