:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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