Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
