We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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